I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
