Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
