I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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