seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
