how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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