1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Randomize
