Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
