Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
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