I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
