So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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