Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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