I need to stop coming to work sober
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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