her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
