i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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