i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
