I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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