My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
