Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
