I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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