My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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