why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
