I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
