I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
