I just saw a hot homeless man
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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