Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
