I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
