We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
