You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
