i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
