Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She's the barista slut.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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