i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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