mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
