I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Your penis caused this!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
