Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You're a waste of cheezeits
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
