eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
