You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
