I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You took a bar mat shot.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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