i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
