Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
