Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i've created a new STD.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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