i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
