I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
