I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
