Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
