anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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