I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
