By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
