Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I could make wine with my vomit
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
