I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The adults are the big ones right?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
