Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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